"One of the first reactions of a grieving person is the denial of the
loss of the loved one. The loss of the relationship because of
addictive involvement generates all those basic human processes involved
at separation: hope, denial, anger, despair, and loneliness. A
grieving person resolves pain by acknowledging the loss and reconnecting
with others. Losing a loved one to addiction, however, has the
potential of keeping one stuck in the early stages of grief and never
coming to resolution. The addict is still present in one's life even
though the loss of the relationship is real.
"Therein
is the bind of the 'coaddict,' or the loved one or friend who becomes
so involved in the life of the addict that he or she truly starts to
participate in the same impaired mental processes of the addict. As
'courtship goes awry' for the the addict, the grief cycle for the loved
one, one also becomes distorted. By definition, the addict replaces
normal human relationships with sexual compulsiveness. Loved ones feel
the loss, try to deny it, and become angry, feeling despair and
sometimes hope. The coaddicts' efforts to restore the relationship are
not only ineffective, they can intensify and deepen the addictive system
for the addict. To compound the tragedy, coaddict will take actions
which are self-destructive, degrading, or even profound violations of
their own values. Family members, as coaddicts, become part of the
problem. Hence the prefix co-." - Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. in Out of the Shadows
Grief
and loss are not the feelings that come to mind with family and spouses
of addicts. However, those are real feelings that coaddicts go
through. They haven't lost the addict in a physical sense but the hopes
and dreams for the relationship and the addict have died.
www.The-Wind-Project.com
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