Overwhelmed children

"Children do not plot ways to stress out their parents, break all the rules, and wreak havoc.  They do not wish to be aggressive, lie, break things, or make you totally miserable--at least not unless they are really angry with you!  They would like to have a peaceful, safe family life in which they feel loved.  Often their behavior is about feeling unloved, unaccepted, or unsafe.  'Safe,' for children, often means feeling solidly connected to their parents or caregivers (securely attached).

"Sometime children's tears, temper tantrums, and aggression are the result of being overwhelmed with feelings that they don't know how to manage.  For a child who is neurologically sensitive, physical sensations can be overwhelming.  The idea of have to endure socks that itch or a bothersome seam all day can be unbearable, and when others don't understand, the child is torn between her own experience and the impressions of others.  Sometimes children can't label their feelings, perhaps because they are too overwhelmed to think clearly or are still learning how to name their feelings. 

"Validating discipline takes these factors into considerations.  When you validate a child's feelings, perhaps especially when they make no sense to you, the child is more likely to let you know what makes him feel less loved, less accepted, less important, or otherwise unsafe.  Then you have an opportunity to deal with the real issue."  - Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D. and Melissa H Cook, LPC in The Power of Validation

Overwhelmed children, like some adults, don't act rationally.  Understanding what is underneath their acting out is important.  What is the feeling under the acting out behavior?  Anger itself is a secondary feeling, the first sometimes to come out but not the core feeling.  Taking care of the core feeling is  what is necessary to deal with. 

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