Praising

“Kind words can be powerful motivators–but only if you praise the right things.  Praising someone’s ability to work hard is more effective than gushing about how brilliant she is.  Research shows that kids who are praised for their intelligence do not try as hard on future tasks.  Praising smarts breeds the belief that things should come naturally–and when they don’t, kids thing they are no longer bright.  Or they choose unchallenging paths so as not to be exposed as ‘frauds.’

“‘Being praised for effort or other aspects of performance directly under your control leads to resilience, while being praised for being smart or for other innate abilities can lead to feelings of helplessness or self-doubt when a set back occurs,’ says psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson, associate director of the Motivation Science Center at Columbia University.  The ideal is to help someone think positively but realistically about achieving goals while praising their hard work.  When praised for persistence, those who think the path ahead will be difficult invest more effort.

“How praise is delivered counts as much as what gets praised.  Praise should be specific and sincere–and given generously especially at the office.  Workers asked to learn a task performed better at the end of the first day, report Japanese researchers.  To the brain, receiving a compliment is as much a social reward as being given money.” – Mary Loftus in March/April 2013 Psychology Today

It does matter how we give praise.  We need to tell those that do well what they do well in not just a general, blanket statement.

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Accepting a compliment

"Nearly everyone who is asked, 'What is the proper response to a compliment?' replies, 'Say 'thank you.''  But when actually offered a compliment, only a third of people accept it so simply and smoothly, found linguist Robert Herbert of Binghamton University.

"The difficulty lies in the fact that a compliment ('What a nice sweater!') has two levels: a gift component (accept or reject) and a content component (agree or disagree).  The addressee is confronted with a  dilemma--how to respond simultaneously to both: 'I must agree with the speaker and thank him for the gift of a compliment while avoiding self-praise.'

"Contrary to conventional wisdom, women aren't worse than men at accepting compliments.  It is the gender of the compliment-giver that most influences the response.  Women and men are both more likely to accept a compliment coming from a man than from a woman.  When a man says, 'Nice scarf," a woman is more likely to respond affirmatively.  'Thanks, my sister knitted it for me.'

"But when one woman tells another, 'That's a beautiful sweater,' she is likely to demur or deflect: 'It was on sale at Walmart, and they didn't even have the color I wanted.'  Such a response, intended to make the complimenter feel that recipient isn't overly proud, only makes her feel awkward or invalidated instead.

"Compliments can expose a wide range of social ineptitude.  Responses Herbert recorded include 'praise upgrades' ('Yes, it really brings out the blue in my eyes'), follow-up questions ('Do you really think so?  Do you want to borrow it?') and disagreement ('it's itchy, I hate it').  Better to make a relevant, related comment ('Thanks, it's my favorite').  But nothing tops a smile, looking the complimenter in the eye, and saying, 'Thank you.'" - Mary Loftus in Psychology Today March/April 2013

We can make others feel bad when they compliment us.  Learning how to take a compliment can do wonders for our relationships.

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