"Couples at war have certain tell-tale behavior signs. Some partners
get very excited, while others become slow, sleepy, or even collapse.
Whichever posture they take, partners at war say and do things that are
decidedly unfriendly. Each time they fight, they tend to recycle the
same complaints, the same examples, the same theories, and the same
solutions. Of course, their battles can expand, as well--to include
other people ('Even so-and-so says you're self-centered'); other moments
in history ('You did the same thing when we first went out'); and other
topics ('When you do that, it drives me nuts, too'). Couples often
spend inordinate amounts of time debating facts and struggles to
reconstruct and sequence stressful relationship events, leaving them no
time or resources to sort out the real reason for their conflict." -
Stan Tatkin in Wired for Love
As I see fighting couples
in my office, many times the patterns in how they fight can be seen,
over and over again. Stopping these patterns and using tools that can
help them can be very enlightening.
No comments:
Post a Comment