"As I've stated, our social wiring is set at an early age. Whether
we grow up feeling basically secure or basically insecure to determined
by how our parents or caregivers relate to us and to the world. Parents
who put a high value on relationship tend to do more to protect their
loved ones than do parents who value other things more. They tend to
spend more face-to-face and skin-to-skin time with their child; be more
curious about and interested in their child's mind; be more focused,
attentive, and attuned to their child's needs; and generally be more
motivated to quickly correct errors or injuries, because they want to
restore the goodness of the relationship. In these ways, they create a
secure environment for the child.
"The dynamics of this early
relationship leave their mark at a physiological level. Neuroscientists
have observed that children who receive lots of positive attention from
adults then to develop more neural networks than do children deprived
of social interaction with adult brains. The primitives and ambassadors
of secure children ten to be well integrated, and so these children
generally are able to handle their emotions and impulses. Their
amygdalae aren't overcharged and their hypothalamus conducts normal
operations and feedback communication with the pituitary and adrenal
glands, the other cogs in the threat and stress wheel, turning that
system on and off when appropriate. Their dumb vagus and smart vagus
are well balanced.
"Because of good relationships early in life,
secure children tend to have a well-developed right brain and insula, so
they are adept at reading faces, voices, emotions, and body sensations,
and at getting the overall gist of things. In particular, their
orbitofrontal cortex is well developed, with neural connections that
provide feedback to their other ambassadors and their primitives.
Compared with insecure children, they tend to have more empathy, better
moral judgment, grater control over impulses, and more consistent
management of frustration. In general, secure children are more
resilient to the slings and arrows of social-emotional stress and do far
better in social situation.
"A secure relationship is
characterized by playfulness, interaction, flexibility, and
sensitivity. Good feelings predominate because any bad feelings are
quickly soothed. It's a great place to be! It's a place where we can
expect fun and excitement and novelty, but also relief and comfort and
shelter. When we experience this kind of secure foundation as a child,
we carry it forth into adulthood....
"However, not all of us had
relationships in early childhood that felt secure. Perhaps we had
several rotating caregivers, without one who was consistently available
or dependable. Or perhaps we had one or more caregivers who primarily
valued something else more than relationship, such as self-preservation,
beauty, youth, performance, intelligence, talent, money or reputation.
Maybe one or more caregivers emphasized loyalty, privacy, independence,
and self-sufficiency over relationship fidelity. Almost anything can
supplant the value of relationship, and often when this occurs, it is
not by choice. A caregiver's mental or physical illness, unresolved
trauma or loss, immaturity, and the like can interfere with a child's
sense of security. If this happens to us, then as adults we come to
relationships with an underlying insecurity. That can lead us to keep
to ourselves as an island in the ocean of humanity. Or it can lead to
ambivalence about connecting with others, in which case we become more
like a wave." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in
Wired for Love
It
is so important that as parents and caregivers we connect with our
children. Addictions of all kinds are just one of the things that can
interfere with the emotional care that children need.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928
